We're all forced (against our will) to be creative once in a while. Like when your
kindergarten teacher forced you to
dip your hands in freaking paint and slap them all over some kind of canvas.
What is that teaching kids? When I was a younger, if I was caught pasting my hand prints all over something in my house,
my parents would flip out. They'd end up removing my spleen (or whatever organs were left after
yesterday's "milk incident") with a Spork.
If I've learned anything over the years, it's that my parents don't use the internet. Which is why this is the perfect
place to release my pent-up kindergarten rage.
Andre decided to bring in his dad's best screwdriver for Show & Tell one day. I gave him the idea for the screwdriver,
but I think he took it wrong way.
The following week, I decided to show him up and bring in a real
screwdriver, which the teacher quickly confiscated and took out of the room. A few minutes later she was back with
the empty glass in hand, claiming she had poured it into the sink. Good old teach' wasn't fooling anyone. She enjoyed every last drop of
that delicious beverage -- which is even more evident by the fact that she didn't fail me. I was a damn good mixer, even
at age 5. | 
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Whether it's forced or not, everyone has creative moments. It's just that most people aren't all that good at it. That's
why I'm going to take the time to give everyone a few pointers. Anime is a good place to start, because everyone knows that
every anime is original.
All anime is comprised of three main things: fenugreek, water, and salt.
So get out your dusty old mortar and pestle and start mashing away. When the
mixture starts to glow, you know the anime
is screaming to be released. Get your quill, dip it into the substance and scribe the following runes on a blank sheet of paper:
" !"
If you've done everything correctly, anime should start to form on the page. Be sure to scribe the runes exactly as I've
written them here, or else you may end up with hentai...or possibly really bad 70s Hanna-Barbara cartoons.
If everything goes well, this should make you an official anime artist. The Japanese spend thousands of hours mixing and matching different
parts of the formula to come up with new anime "styles" -- and now you can too!
Crystal Somethingorother, Dexter Shazbut, and I all won awards for our creativity in the "Words and Phrases" contest. Terms such
as "jackass," "impotence," and "walnut sack" were used. I can't stress enough how important
exercises like these are to the developing mind of a child.
I can remember how inspired I felt when saying, "The town
jackass, Samson, kicked Gerald so hard in his walnut sack, that Gerald lived the rest of his life in the bitter grip
of impotence," to my peers.
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A lot of people find inspiration in a particularly vivid dream. This can be great, because it leaves all the hard work to
your subconscious mind while you rest.
Some of us have boring dreams that really don't work in this situation -- like the one where you're whistling the theme from
Dick Van Dyke while poking Santa Clause in the ass with a straightedge. But don't worry, because it's possible to alter
what we dream about. Try some of the following tips and see if they work for you:
-Stare at as much pornography as possible right before going to sleep. Keep your eyes glued to the stuff until you can't
get the images out of your head no matter how much you blink or punch yourself.
-Physically drink a glass of pure anime (see formula above) while downing several sleeping pills. Then sit back and let the
effects run their coarse.
-While laying down in bed, place one of your hands into a pot of warm water and drift off peacefully to
slumber land. WARNING:
You may wake up earlier than usual.
-Drink three gallons of schnapps and pass out while playing Candyland with your little sister.
With any luck, you should be dreaming some of the most vivid things ever conceived. And with those new images haunting you forever, you'll
be free to take on a new project involving said images.
Alright boys and girls, that's all the time we have for today. I'm sure my article has inspired you to do amazing things.
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