Halloween is a special day. Very special indeed! Contrary to what most people think, it was originally a
holiday celebrating the male anatomy.
Hollowean (hollow wean), as it used to be called, was first introduced at a
time when huge discoveries were made regarding the erectile dysfunctions of people who have been dead for a really long
time at this point. It was discovered (and later proved to be false) that large quantities of sugar would help
men recover from such an anomaly. So it was decided that once each year, people would give out free sugar-foods to
all people seeking to solve their erectile dysfunction.
As time passed, people who weren't really in need of help began to pretend that they were sick and needed the sugar (to get
the free treats obviously!). Women were even seen dressing
up as men to do this. And those women, the brave pioneers of the cross-dressing trade, sparked a tradition -- one that
would last many years, reaching to the present day.
People began dressing up every year to get free candy. Women dressed up like men, and men dressed up like men who couldn't
achieve an erection. Even the children were involved! Many would dress up like giant penises and hunch over. The adults
found it to be such a cute and entertaining display, that they were more than happy to hand out treats to all of the giant
penises.
What am I talking about? Well, that's simple. I'm making a point about the importance of a good Halloween costume. In a
day when everyone and their third cousin wants to dress up like a vampire or an
angst-filled goth teen, you need some good original ideas. After all, you don't want to look stupid.
Costume 1: The Pirate of Happiness
Pirates are great characters, but far from original, obviously. But what if we took a pirate, and gave him a smiley-face
button to wear on his shark-hide vest. Now that's original! A pirate whose job is to plunder the misery out of everyone's
Halloween!
Also, since people like to drink a lot, the pirate could carry a large jug of specially brewed alcohol to pass out as a treat
to all the children and slightly older people trying to get away with trick-or-treating at their age. </run-on sentence>
Costume 2: Lee
Think of the possibilities! You are Lee. You get to experience the candy beg-a-thon in the shoes of the biggest leech on
the planet. What could be more interesting? Well, besides a giant penis that is.
Remember not to make your costume too realistic. Many people hate Lee and one or many of them might confuse you for the
pest himself. If there's one thing you don't need on Halloween, it's Lee's reputation.
Costume 3: A Giant Penis
What better way to celebrate Halloween then to dress up as the member that started it all? Historians and intellectuals
will praise your accurate reference to the past (remember to hunch over for extra credit).
One thing I've picked up from previous years, is that parents (particularly mothers) tend to be leery of you and your
well-crafted penis. Leery in the sense that they usually call the cops if you get near their children. I don't even want
to talk about what the cops do.
Now take these ideas and put them to good use. Even if you have to wait until next year to enjoy them, these costumes are
well worth the effort. If you want to show off some wonderful Halloween vesture to your family, friends, neighbors, and all
the people in your town who hate you more with each passing day, you know where to look.
|
|
