 Ah, Splatterhouse...what a game! This is a review of the one on
the NES, mind you, so don't yell at me about my review being "wrong."
The story is kind of tough to make out. The translation is entertainingly horrible. From what I can
tell, a nice gentleman named Rick takes his girlfriend to a deserted mansion (this is what I call "Scooby Doo Syndrome")
- I guess they never heard of the backseat of a car - but in the midst
of the hardcore, pornographic action, they are attacked by monsters and poor Rick is killed.
The thing is, his girlfriend, Jennifer, has a "mask fetish" and when they
make sweet love she has him wear a
mask, similar to that which Jason would wear (don't you just love those movies?). As luck would have it, the
mask had some kind of magical spell on it, and somehow Rick was brought back to life from it. Unfortunately,
the mask's power was so strong that it animated the pumpkin that some damned kids buried in the grave next to
Rick's and created the final boss. Mr. Pumpkin quickly snatches Jennifer and takes her to the end of the game.
Now go get her, plz.
Gameplay
Splatterhouse is a strangely addictive side-scroller. I really can't
explain why I keep playing it -- I just do.
The NES version of Splatterhouse isn't really the only version around.
Originally, the game was from the arcades, but it was also released on the TurboGrafx16 around the same time
as on the NES. Some will argue that the TG16 version is better, but in
reality they are both equally crappy for different reasons.
The NES version is a very fast moving game. You run really fast, crossing long, boring-looking
levels, while swinging your axe when a monster flies into the screen. It's sort of fun. Really.
It all sounds boring, and it kind of is, but you'll probably find yourself playing it anyway.
Graphics
The graphics are reminiscent of road kill. But I guess that's sort of a plus, considering most of what you see in the
game is dead. The TG16 version had much better graphics (and the arcade version is even better), but wasn't quite as
fast-paced and addictive.
Some things look okay for an NES game, but most things aren't very impressive.
Sound
 The sound isn't really
notable for the most part. It's not the horrid ear-piercing garbage that early Nintendo games
are known for, and that's enough said. The music is okay, and tends to fit the mood, but I've heard much better come
from the NES.
Of course, you have to love Disco Dracula and his tune. He's not a very nice guy though. He even gives you the finger
when he makes his entrance. I guess he doesn't like you. Of course, then he goes on to play the first level music
again when the fight starts (and he even fights by dancing back and forth). What a rip! Damn you Disco Dracula! Why did you do this? Why!?
Longevity
Just keep playing the first level over and over, that's what I do. The game is short and the NES version is the easiest of
the three, so it really won't last long. The replay value is based on your attention span. How much can you take?
Overall
 This game is in the middle ground. It's not really all that good, but it's not really bad either. If you're in the mood for
a fast paced, graphically challenged Nintendo game from hell then you'll probably enjoy it. And everyone else will keep coming
back just to see the weird girl's breasts explode in the third level.
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